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What Really Matters

Published 2023-02-04

Last updated on 2023-04-11

I have been going through my life somewhat thoughtlessly. Sure, I try to be a good person, making morally justifiable decisions and being kind as often I can. But I have not spent enough time considering whether my efforts and focus align with what really matters to me, to my community, and to the future. So, what really matters? And once that is determined, how can I live in a way that serves those things best?

The list is short: (1) caring for and sharing time with family, blood and chosen; (2) living a thoughtful life with time and space to meditate and study, (3) trying to leave the community and world in a better state than I found it. Nowhere on that list are the self-centered things I have been fixated on for the last several years: Finances. Fitness and appearance. Pettiness.

For years, I thought I was above the comparisons to others. I smugly congratulated myself for knowing how much money was “enough.” But upon reflection, I realized that I was engaged in that behavior in other ways – mostly comparing other indications of “success” and social status. It was deeply humbling to come to the realization that I was not above the comparisons I was so quick to condemn in others. I have spent entirely too much time thinking about myself and how I match up against my peers, colleagues and neighbors. There is nothing important about my weight, my appearance, my social status, my financial wealth, my professional achievements, or the number of followers I have on social media.

I believe my increasing anxiety is directly proportional to my self-centered perspective. I would have less anxiety if I spent time focused on larger things and doing things that matter most to me. Maybe service to others is a way to reduce my anxiety levels, in addition to being the right thing to do, or course.

Knowing the above, I have been continuing to struggle to align my values and actions. I often succumb to the temptation of compulsive behavior: doomscrolling, playing games, fixating on self-help, eating when bored. . . This is all taking time and filling the void within. I need to make a series of small changes that will nudge me away from my current habits and behaviors and encourage more time spent away from technology and more time engaged with people whom I love and enjoy, as well as more time reading for pleasure and meditating.

I think the way forward is to (1) limit my use of technology to certain beneficial uses, (2) to spend less time listening to self-help podcasts, (3) spend more time focusing on larger ideas and (4) serving others directly and indirectly.

Why I Want to Avoid Technology

  1. It is largely a waste of time, as the level of discourse is poor and more hostile than other venues
  2. It is designed to be addictive by very smart people, and it works well. So it is compulsive behavior rather than a useful tool
  3. The internet is useful as a tool to find specific information, but it is rife with companies trying to steal your attention so they get paid.
  4. I distrust technologists
    1. There is a disturbing alt-right bent to many technologists that reeks of fascism and paranoia.
    2. Extreme wealth is not indicative of virtue, thoughtfulness, nor intelligence
    3. Many technologists minimize their use and their children’s use of social media.
  5. AI bots are on the cusp already of filling the internet with bullshit
  6. Tech should be a tool we wield to solve problems, not a time and money suck

For these reasons (and others!!!), I want to curtail all use of the internet unless I have a specific objective. And, I want to bundle those objectives, so that I minimize the number of times I get online to as few as possible. In the time I once spent browsing reddit mindlessly or watching YouTube videos, I want to read, write, meditate, and spend time with friends and family.

Why I Want to Avoid Self-Help Podcasts and other Content

I think self-improvement has its place and is useful at times. I also think that there is a massive industry in the US, in particular, around selling people inwardly focused content. Of course we can all do better and be better. But the focus here is wrong. The ills plaguing our society are not individual, they are communal and global. Think healthcare, climate change, social media, addictions, hatred and prejudice, poverty and inequality. Self-help and self-improvement has its place, but our problems are systemic and I want to spend more time studying those systemic issues rather than navel-gazing and trying to becoming more productive or more efficient.

Larger Things & Serving Others

A few of the systems I want to study right now are privacy regulations, water systems in California, and how I can serve others. I think AI is also interesting, but I have a lot of work to do before I can begin to understand the code behind it and assess its strengths and weaknesses. I will have to read up and should work to find reliable good sources with a greater understanding.

I will take some time experimenting here, as I will have my hands full just limiting my internet usage and filling that time with reading and study. I hope that using that time more effectively will reveal opportunities for me to serve my family and community in interesting ways and reveal new areas in which I can research and find interest.

For the time being, I want to focus on being more present in the moment with people, reading novels, and researching in depth ideas and topics outside of my professional expertise.

Published in Blog