I suppress anger. Actually, I think I repress anger. I don’t allow myself to feel it in the moment, so I think repression is more accurate a description.
From a pattern established in my young adulthood, I learned to take responsibility for everything in my life. This was adaptive for me and allowed me to take control and gain agency. It was empowering. I learned how to fend for myself and how to be a responsible adult. I developed discipline and self-control. But this story does not end there. There is a downside. . .
I learned to swallow my anger when someone wronged me. I would tell myself to put my head down and get to work – that I was capable of fixing or overcoming whatever. I would tell myself that I was uniquely capable, while the other person was not. I was more able to see their perspective when they could not see mine. I was more able to do the work necessary to repair the relationship, even when I was not to blame. I would tell myself that anger was a sign of others’ weakness, and I was better off just handling the situation, rather than showing weakness myself – that anger was unproductive and shameful.
I think there was a time where this adaptation served me. I believe it is a useful ability to be capable of pausing before reacting in anger. But when it is your default response to stress, anger or aggression in relationships; it is maladaptive. You are locked into a dynamic before you are consciously aware of (1) suppressing your anger, and/or (2) how your suppression is impacting the interaction or relationship. I internalized the subconscious belief that I was responsible to fix the other person’s issue regardless of whether I was to blame. I put aside my feelings, and solely responded to theirs. I made myself less than equal, believing that I was a bigger and better person.
I am tempted to judge myself harshly for how foolish the above sentences are when expressed plainly. But I will not. The truth of the pattern is important to recognize.
I need to get comfortable with this particular discomfort. I want to practice constructively expressing my anger and sitting in that moment without judgment. Let’s discover how that modifies my experience in personal relationships. I believe tolerance for taking up space, wanting things, and owning my emotions will improve. I believe my periodic head and neck pain will resolve, and that I will find joy and pleasure more readily.
My practice will be to speak what I am feeling out loud using “I” statements (I feel [angry/sad/afraid]) as often as I can. Intuitively, I believe the quickest path to breaking the pattern of suppression/repression of “negative” emotions – in my case, anger – will be to express the thing clearly in real time, if possible.
Recognition of the issue is the first step. The second will be recognizing the pattern as it happens in real time. The third step will be expressing the feeling appropriately in real time. Let’s see where that gets me. . .
Some reading on the topic:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202201/5-symptoms-repressed-anger (#2 and #4 speak to me)
https://mhanational.org/10-healthy-ways-release-rage